From time to time, my friend, Tommy, would tell me to ask his father-in-law, Kenny Stordon, about his Uncle Ned’s dumb dog, but on the stipulation that I can only ask when he’s “good and buzzed up”. So, of course, you can imagine I became obsessed with finding out about this dog and was out with Tommy to his father-in-law’s house every chance I could get. But for the longest time I did not get the chance to ask because Kenny was either sober with the shakes, or was reduced to childlike mumbling because he had gotten into the liquor.
Finally, one afternoon I was summoned by Tommy to his garage to help him and Kenny change out a water pump on Kenny’s truck with the promise that Kenny was only drinking beer that afternoon and didn’t have a bottle. After about two hours of work, we all settled down on Tommy’s patio in the early evening for a few more beers and some good conversation. At this point Kenny, dressed in coveralls, with scraggly, grey hair and a week-old, stubbly beard, had the perfect buzz going, and, with Tommy’s blessing, I asked Kenny about Uncle Ned’s dumb dog.
“Ya see, those was da olden days, and I don’t think I has ever saw a dumber dog dan dat. He fetched him over in Jeffers, about tirty miles up nort, from a feller named Crazy Jack Taylor.
“Old, Crazy Jack Taylor were a self-proclaimed preacher, and held services out in dat ol’ pole shed in da middle of town. Dat is when he were round, cuz half da time ol’ Jack was out somewheres in da country wit his mule team and wagon. Even do most folks had cars n’ trucks by dis time, Ol’ Crazy Jack Taylor rafused ta git a driver’s license, and jus drove his mule team instead. No one knows fur sure where he went, or what he did when hes was gone, but it was rumored dat he’d take dem mules all da way ta Mexico to stock up on tequili for da coming year.
“Ya see, even though Jack were a preacher, he was also crazy as a buck in da rut when he’d get that there tequila flowing through his veins. In fact, ol’ Crazy Jack Taylor was even kicked out of jail once because da feller wouldn’t stop soiling hiself. He did go on da straight and narrow for bouts a year though, when he married a lady by da names a Heather Hanson. She were a school teacher, and had da highest hopes of raising da biggest family in da intire county.
“Like I says, it took bouts a year and she moved on and married a feller named Matthew Mort. He was a farm kid from a couple counties over nears Slayton. Lots of people around thought hes was happy and had lots a feminan qualities, but he was a good pa to all those fifteen kids dey raised. Ta make ends meet, Matthew took a job wit Old Man Gonyo reupholstering furniture and automobile seats. Da two butted heads though because Matthew sawd Gonyo as a dirty, old womanizer.
“Now, I doesn’t know about dirty, cuz Gonyo were a perfect gent, but it were also well known around da county dat he were a hit wit da ladies, and frequented many of da local waterin’ holes. Maybe it was cuz of all da old, fancy cars he’d ‘quired over da years. Every once in a while, he’d give one of dem cars to his younger sister, Jessica, out a pity.
“Ya see, Jessica didn’t have much n’ were what we’d call cuckoo. Everybody knew it, but she’d always be a tryin’ to play it off like she weren’t. She was jus always drivin’ round town in those fancy cars dat her older brother give her, although, over time, she’d always tear dem po’ cars to sheds. She’d try to cover up da dents and scratches with cheap puddy and hardware store paint but everyones could see what were happ’ning. Maybe no one says nothin’ cuz they doesn’t want to hurt her feelin’s, but I believes, dey was afraids of her. Either way, dey just went along with Jessica’s shenanigans.
“Another thing she likes to do was throw parties for da town’s folk. Da only problem is dat she would have dese fancy parties in da old, abandon’d warehouse in town dat was rickety and smelled of rat droppin’s. Most people in town would go for a while, as ta not discourage poor Jessica, but would leave after a short time cuz of da smell. There were one friend dat was loyal to poor Jessica though, and her name was Winona. She were married to de pharmacist Marvin Park.
“Now, Marvin were a schemer of da highest level. He always had a cure for any kinds a ailment. He had a pharmacy a stocked full of heavy metals, leeches, and every type of elixir under da sun. In fact, if he’d catch wind someone were sick, he be there before da symptoms even got bad, n’ would sell them things dat had nothin’ to do with da ailment. He were just dat good.
“Well, one day, he heard through da grapevine that Dennis Boldt had come down wit da pneumonia and weren’t doing too good. Within minutes, Marvin was at his door and talkin’ to Dennis’s wife, Sarah. Sarah denied dat her husband were sick, even though Marvin could hear da coughing and heavy breavin’ in da back room. For da next two weeks, Marvin were a houndin’ Sarah at her house and when he seed her in da street. Dat is until one morning, he seed her walking wit Dennis. He walked up and congratulated him on his speedy recovery, at which point both Dennis n’ Sarah snubbed da ‘ol Marvin because of his harassment of Sarah.
“But ‘bouts a week later, Dennis approached Marvin and wanted a substantial amount of Laudanum for da aches n’ pains he still feels because of his sickness. Dennis says he figures da aches and pains would probly be around for a while. Marvin didn’t have anywheres close to dat amount of Laudanum on hand, so he had to order it in from Marshall. A few days had went by and ol’ Marvin headed to Dennis’s house wit five crates in da back of his truck, only to discover dat da Boldts had skipped town in da middle of da night. Now, poor Marvin had to figure out how to get rid of five cases of Laudanum dat he had paid dearly for. Within six months, Marvin was out a bidness and moved a few counties over to Blue Earth.
“Blue Earth is where my buddy, Mack Wingle, and his wife, Mary, was from. Dat is until dey up and disappear’d one night. From what I heard, da two took a dare to spend a night out in da haunted forest near there and were never heard from again. Dey sent out a search party for a few days, but da only thing anyone found was their camp’n’ gear dat looked undisturbed. From what anyone could tell, they just up and disappeared. Many folks believe dat da old, savage spirits of da forest got 'em, but none knows fur sure. Anyway there is a plaque in da City Park behind da Paul Bunyan statue dat reads: In loving memory of Mack and Mary Wingle who now haunt da forest with da savage spirits.”
About that time Kenny got up and excused himself to the bathroom, at which point I looked back at Tommy who had a huge grin on his face and was nodding his head. After twenty minutes of waiting, Tommy exclaimed, “I bet he got into some liquor and passed out in the bathroom,” which was the case. We found him lying in the tub with an empty bottle of peppermint schnapps lying on the floor beside him.
At this point, Tommy explained that he was hoping Kenny didn’t have a secret stash of liquor somewhere, but knew in the back of his head that he did. The thing about it is, they have been listening to the story of Uncle Ned’s Dumb Dog for as long as Tommy can remember. The story is always different and keeps going until Kenny gets drunk. One thing is certain though, they never find out anything about Uncle Ned or his dumb dog.