Confessions of the Best Friend, Side Character, Manic Pixie Dream Girl

I've never really been the main character, in or out of reality. My main characters are strong. They're snarky and strong, but they still have a certain kind of charm. My main characters have a spark that I will never have. They're the kind of girl, the specific girl that I wish I could be. The girl I've always wished I could be. They don't get hurt because they know when to leave. They leave before they can. They never get a happy ending though. This could be because I'm not sure I believe in them.

I write myself as the best friend, the third wheel who loses the guy, the side note on the protagonist's life. The likely reason behind this is because that's who I am in reality, at least that's how I see myself. In real life, I'm the side character. I don't mean to be but I don't know how to recast myself, audition for another role.

I'm the girl who helps the boy find himself, the girl of his dreams, and his place in life. This girl is never me. I'm the one who is not written after the couple finds each other, once he finds himself. I know writing this way is self-deprecating and I shouldn't do it. I've been trying to stop it but I had to get this out of my head.

I'm the manic pixie dream girl who doesn't know how to fill her role. My hair is short and colored though fading. I wear dark lipstick and combat boots. I collect things, strange things. I have a habit of collecting quotes, words and their definitions, poems. I collect anything that helps feel a little more alive.  

I'm scared of everything though. I've been told this was a symptom of my anxiety. My depression tells me to give up, give in. I can't though there is so much more for me to see, for me to collect. The problem with my role though- I'm supposed to be happy after they find them after they get their dream girl. I don't know how. I'm not sure I can. This side character doesn't know how to stay on the sidelines.

Sincerely,

The one who never makes it into the epilogue.

 

A little kitten is lost in heavens forest.  

“I’m lost, someone help me?” said the little kitten.  Chirps and tweets were heard in response. Sad the kitten tugged onward deeper into the heavens.  A bush is seen rustling ahead. Cautiously the kitten creeps closer and closer ready to pounce. A pig bursts out of the bush charging towards the little kitty.  

“hello, can you help me?” kitty began to say but was interrupted mid-sentence dodging out of the way.   The pig keeps running forward. Sad, the kitten keeps walking forward into the night. A howl is heard over the forest.  The kitten is terrified and rolls into a defensive ball. A puppy appears behind the kitten.

“What are you doing” said the puppy looking down at the cat

“Oh, you’re a dog I thought a scary monster was coming for me” said the kitten relieved with happiness.

“I’m the dog of earth, I must protect this land” the dog said while turning and running away.

“Wait I need help” the kitten yells out for the dog but was too late.

The kitten rolls into a ball and sleeps the night away.  Awoken in the morning to a cooing sound the kitten jumps with surprise.  It’s a rooster cooing the morning awake. Kitten runs up to the rooster.

“can you help me I’m lost?” said the kitten.

“No, I’m too busy, I need to wake the world” said the rooster with determination in his eyes.

The kitten watches the rooster become fired up, and he coos the world awake.  The kitten looks up to the sky and sees a monkey in a tree.

“Hi, can you help me?” said the kitten with hope.

The monkey looks down at the kitten pondering his thoughts and swings away.

The kitten is so sad that no animals will help him.  Kitten turns to see a light reflect and decides to chase the light.  Amid play the kitten hears laughter and play. The kitten runs to the source of the noise.  A goat, horse, and a snake are playing loudly and freely. The kitten is overjoyed and runs out to play too.  

“Excuse me can I play too?” said the kitten.

“Were busy can’t you see” said the horse flicking her mane in the air.

“Yeah, go somewhere else” said the goat with bucked teeth.

“slither away” Said the snake with beady yellow eyes.

The kitten runs into the bush crying his eyes out over the night. Sleeping hard that night the kitten awakes feeling groggy and does his morning yoga to help him feel better.  Kitty looks out to the field where the Horse, Goat, and Snake were playing last night and sees a Dragon, Rabbit, Tiger and Ox huddled in a circle talking. The kitten works up the courage to go talk to them.  Slowly the kitten walks up to them and notices when the dragon spots him he hushed the gang to stop talking.

“Hello, sorry to interrupt your meeting but could you help me I’m lost?” said the kitten slowly.

“Were having a meeting, we can’t help you” Said the dragon with force.

The kitten walks away sadly into the forest and cries.

“Why are you crying?” Said a small voice.

Terrified the kitten poofs into a large ball.

“Where are you?” Said the Kitten.

“Down Here”

Kitten looks down and sees a small rat smiling at him.

“I’m lost” Said the kitten.

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you my friend” the rat said grabbing the kittens paw and guided him to the group of animals.  

“you’re not lost anymore, your home”

 

I couldn't help but look down at the porcelain of pink princess nail polish and wonder whose foreign hands had taken the place of mine. With a few coats of liquid chemicals I never wore,  somehow my hands became unrecognizable, almost alien, to me. No longer did they belong to the painter who couldn't shape her vision onto paper, or the sculptor who never liked her pieces enough to leave them in one piece. They were no longer used to grasp at thoughts and words then form them into sentences, paragraphs, and stories of wonder. Those hands became elegant, poised, and refined with a little bit of color. With them I became the princess I had always wanted to be.

I never knew which category to fall in. Whether it be style, friends, favorite music, or type of movie. For some reason I never fit into a mold. I had a little of this but at the same time, a little of that. I could never pick a favorite because all the ones I liked were my favorite, but I was always quick to say what I didn't like. I never wore the same thing the same way. I never got the same thing.

For some reason I always knew I wanted to be a princess or at very least the girl in any 80s movie who eventually got the guy. I feel the Disney movies I watched growing up played a significant role in this. Yes, I love the empowerment they gave new princesses where they rule kingdoms without a man and all, yet… I grew up on the originals, the damsel in distress, evil stepmother, prince saves the day kind of thing. For me to have a happy ending you had to be a princess. That’s why my whole life I've felt with a tiara came a happily ever after.

I think a part of me always knew I'd never be a princess and live in a castle. It was the unattainable dream--that's what made it so appealing. You see what Disney left out amongst the singing birds and parties was the fact that little girls didn't need to be princesses to be happy. Heck, a happily ever after may be a one-bedroom apartment with a couple of cats and a significant other, or maybe not.

That's the great part about the future: it's not written down in a book for everyone to follow. Everyone gets to determine what they want it to be. Who they want to be. Little girls don't need more princesses or damsels. There's plenty; they need more role models. More people to tell them they can be or do whatever they want and still be happy. They need to be encouraged to be astronomers, and firefighters, or professional soccer players.

I was never told these as a child. I didn't know I could change my mind, or be what I wanted, even now I'm unsure. But that's okay, my future is uncertain, so is everyone else's. I get to make my own choices, pink or no pink.  I'll write my own happily ever after.

 

Everything around her seemed to be screaming at her.  Yet she could not hear a single thing. She knew that her friends were talking to her, but she felt so far away.  She tried her hardest to smile, but her heart was not happy. The face is a reflection of the heart, and she knew her heart was broken.  She felt that the next person to touch her face would end up with pieces of her face in their hands. Why was it that she was suffocating, but felt so alone at the same time?  She felt as if everyone was strangling her, but she just wanted someone to reach out and touch her. She clenched her hands into fists, back and forth. Back and forth. She looked down at her hands and saw a purple mark where her fingernails had dug into the skin.  She began to wonder what the rest of her body would look like with marks. Marks that went as deep as her emotional scars. Could she even cut herself that deeply? Dare she try?

She cried until she was sure she could cry no more.  Sick to her stomach, she grabbed the garbage can near her bed.  But nothing would come out. Frustrated, she laid her head back against the pillow.  A single tear trickled down her cheek. A single thought crossed her mind. Would anyone miss her?  She knew that people would say nice words at her funeral, but was that enough? Would it take her death to be told she was loved?  Only when she was dead, would she experience love?

She reached over to her nightstand and opened the drawer.  She looked down at the medicine inside. It would be so easy…Just a quick overdose…A few hours and she’d black out, never to wake up….But could she do it?  Her hands began to shake as she wrapped her fingers around the bottle. When the lid came off with a pop, everything within her snapped.

Through the tears pouring down her face, she looked at the now blurry picture on her nightstand.  She had been so happy…. The smiling faces looking back at her, told a different story from where she was today.  She knew that the little girl would always love her, and she would always love the little girl. But was the love they shared enough to keep her from ending it all?

That was when she heard a young girl’s voice call her name.  Shutting her nightstand drawer, she sat up, and took a deep breath.  “I’m in here, Grace!” she called out. A few seconds later, she could hear footsteps pattering down the hallway.  As the door to her room swung open, she saw a little girl, a big smile on her face.

“What are you doing?” Grace asked.  

“I was thinking about how much I love you!” she replied.

“I love you so much! I’m so glad you’re in my life,” Grace said.  

As they walked out of her room, she looked back and looked at the picture.  She was glad she was in life too. She knew she would never want to leave it, no matter what.